So I walked into the dentist this morning. My dentist asked me how my weekend was. I said “Good, I watched Captain America last night. I really liked it.” And my dentist says “Oh, my son is in that movie.” At first I thought he was joking but then I realized
Dr. Robert Evans
I looked it up
My dentist is Captain America’s dad
My doctor is JK Rowling’s husband.
JK Rowling’s husband has asked me if I am sexually active.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they all have 45020194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 14:23PM on 23/04/2007
MEGA SHOUT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING THROUGH REALLY SHITTY SITUATIONS AND ARE TRYING TO GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER
Today little sister cracks open
a second egg and mom’s eyes
dart across the kitchen.
'You are not supposed to eat
more than one egg a day
you know that is far
too much cholesterol.’
The first meal I ate at the hospital
was a two-egged omelette
drenched in cheese.
My mother sat across from me
while the nurses and social workers
retaught her how to feed me.
They told her I was not allowed
to hide cheese under my plate,
or pick off the tortilla shell
and avoid the egg yolk.
They told her there were new rules, now
3000 to 5000 calories a day,
no more sugar-free jello
That night we went to the grocery store
and felt the world tilt upside down
We walked passed the low fat,
Until we hit the goldmine:
ice cream bars
full fat butter.
Foods that would make my heart beat regularly again
and put life back in my eyes.
Today I tell my mother I think it is fine
for little sister to eat two eggs,
cholesterol be damned.
But she looks me in the eye and says
“It’s different for you.”
This is the same phrase she repeats
when I ask her why she does not want us to cook noodles
for mother’s day dinner
or why she is not eating sugar
It is a phrase which means:
because you showed so much control
that you grew out of control
You are Hereby Exempt
from the Dieting Culture
It is a phrase which means,
‘I am drawing a firm line
between the South Beach diet
The No-Carb diet
The No-Sugar diet
The Atkins diet
The You Are Inherently Flawed and in Need of Fixing
Because nobody likes to think about the fact
that perhaps we are all playing with fire
that perhaps The American Dream
(and by this I mean weight loss)
is nothing but a smokescreen.
That perhaps shrinking oneself successfully
does not actually move mountains,
paint your soul in bright gold,
or part the seas.
That perhaps making ourselves disappear
won’t fix the real problems
our good intentions will never
pave the path to heaven.
Tomorrow when I wake up
I am going to breathe in the morning air
and thank the universe for poppyseed muffins,
ice cream bars
full fat butter
I am going to change the world
and fry two eggs for breakfast."
Coraline is a masterfully made film, an amazing piece of art that i would never ever ever show to a child oh my god are you kidding me
Nothing wrong with a good dose of sheer terror at a young age
"It was a story, I learned when people began to read it, that children experienced as an adventure, but which gave adults nightmares. It’s the strangest book I’ve written"
-Neil Gaiman on Coraline